Sunday, May 3, 2009

A Change of Heart

By Zac Gates

One year ago, our radiant university campus was poisoned with fantastically obnoxious, unusually inarticulate, and extraordinarily filthy hippies seeking to put an end to the Bush war machine that was responsible for the murders of tens of millions of innocent Iraqi goat herders. The skullduggeries of this sinister administration spread destruction as far as the eye could see. Karl Rove was a Nazi. Condi Rice was a pathological whore.

American Marines were guilty of oppression and Gen. David Petraeus made Saddam Hussein look like Mother Teresa. One student said, "End this (expletive) war or else!" Or else what, you'll finally take a shower? I saw more hair under the arm pits of girls than I saw on the balls of the dudes holding signs that said "Real Men Want Peace!"

President Bush's decision to take this nation to war in a global effort to combat terrorism created an unimaginable period of zero terrorist attacks on American soil, and the folks at home were demanding his scalp. The campus bullhorns in the Sociology, Black Studies, and Political Science departments, or "distinguished professors," were whip-sawing between accusing Karl Rove of starting the Iraq War to humiliate Arabs in their lecture halls and actually going out to the campus courtyards and calling George Bush a retard.

Then it happened.

The angelic Hussein descended from the heavens. The American people were struck with an epiphany and they said, "I have to vote for Barack!" The Red Sea was parted, metaphorically, and most important of all, Europe liked us again! Hell yeah!

Suddenly, the negative Nancy's and the crackpot journalists who incessantly compared the Iraq War to Nazi concentration camps and Soviet gulags, ahem Dick Durbin, vanished into thin air. Instead of opening up a newspaper and seeing liberals reduced to spluttering rage about Bush's pledge to give up golfing, I saw a media drooling over a jug-eared statist who cannot go eight seconds without saying "uhhhh." Who knew that people could become so slavishly hooked on a few greeting card bromides?

It seems the Left has forgotten about the reign of Bushitler. The unspeakable atrocities of this administration are yesterday's news. Interestingly enough, Hussein has not parted with Bush in the way many of his sycophants would seem to have hoped for.

It began with Hussein-Obama's selection of Robert Gates as Defense Secretary, a man who pushed for the troop surge that Obama deemed a "failure." So, Obama admires men who have made terrible decisions in the past. You know, that whole Bill Ayers relationship is finally starting to make sense! During the campaign season, Hussein pledged to close Club Gitmo and end the Iraq War immediately. No more Bush duplicity, this was the real deal.

Barack "Not That Hussein" Obama is sworn, Bible-free, into office.

He signs an order demanding Club Gitmo be closed within the next year. Atta boy, Barack. He orders a missile strike against militants in the sovereign nation, and U.S. ally, of Pakistan. Okay, take it easy, Barack. CNN reports that troop withdrawals in Iraq and Afghanistan have been delayed. *Spills shot of wheatgrass* Come again?!

The media has virtually ignored Obama's foreign policy, despite the fact it is nearly identical to that of President Bush's. Their Barack-and-Rolling has been a little too much "rolling" and not enough "Baracking." The key difference in foreign policy is that we are no longer calling it the "War on Terror." It is now a "shared struggle against extremism." Oy vey.

There is no campus protest against the war this year. I have searched high and low for a belly-aching sign with George Bush's face on it, but I have come back empty-handed. Why the sudden change in attitude? Was all of this bitterness just an attempt to take a cheap shot at a Christian man from Texas? Was it just the "cool" thing to do? Now I may be off my hinge here, but maybe, just maybe, we might have won the fight in Iraq, no?

Levels of violence have continued to sink ever since the surge of U.S. warriors back in early 2007. We have been able to transfer significant territories to the control of the democratically-elected Iraqi government, such as Al-Anbar Province, due to the unremitting ass-kicking of SEALs, Marines, and Army soldiers, and we even signed an agreement calling for a total U.S. withdrawal by 2011. Is it safe to say "Mission Accomplished" yet?

However, the success of this war should in no way excuse the fact that Marines are cold-blooded murderers. Oil has been stolen and many innocent freedom-fighters have been tortured for the mere sake of sadistic pleasure. (Abu Ghraib, anyone?) I don't think the Left understands the gravitas of the situation. America is guilty of terrorism!

Imperialism has replaced diplomacy. America is a "downright mean country" that bullies the inferior. We are a bunch of rapacious dogs who like to harass Ahmed simply because he likes to wear sweaty rags on his head. Millions have been slain by the sword of American foreign policy. Our judgment is near. America is doomed.

But suddenly nobody cares anymore.

Why would these clowns suddenly stop all of their bitching? Why is this illegal occupation suddenly "not so bad?"

I think the answer is that these apes had a grudge against one man, and one man alone: George Walker Bush. They were willing to put national security behind their selfish impulses to slander an honest, good-hearted man. The good news is they lost the fight. They lost. We won.

President Bush's foreign policy lives on in the Obama presidency. Bush is now sitting at home in Texas, cigar in one hand and a beer in the other, and under his cowboy hat there is a slight grin; a grin of delight at the sniveling granola-suckers who tried so hard to bring him down. Bush: 1, Hippies: 0.

Don't take the media too seriously. We now know they flip-flop as much as John McCain says "my friends." The media blitzkrieg during the Bush administration simply whetted my awareness of the media's hypocrisy. They are going to praise one man for doing something while criticizing another who does the exact same thing. It is just something we have to live with.

Unfortunately, we have to tolerate these fawning bootlickers for at least another four years, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We now can read a copy of Newsweek that isn't attacking a nasty, crass and unscrupulous primate of a president. Barack Obama is now the toast of the town.

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